During the last few years, I feel like he has hinted it but has never actually clearly said anything to me about it. For example — taking care of me when I'm sick, telling me I'm the best person in the world, wanting to hold me a lot, telling me I'm beautiful, his favorite person, etc. For the last two years he has been dating a girl, let's call her Anna, but every time I ask about her or her name comes up he has just been telling me that its nothing serious, that he's not interested in her, and that he wants to end it.
Then he always asks me if I'm seeing anyone, and every guy I date is never good enough. But as he and Anna now live together she's moved here from another country for him , I really feel like he's been lying to me about his feelings for her — especially since he calls me when he's drunk, saying that he only wants to sleep with me and that he thinks he and I should spend more time together.
Things have escalated a lot lately. The more time goes by, the more I realize that I feel more for him than I've ever felt for any of my exes all long-term relationships , and I can't imagine a life without him in it. I think about him constantly, and as we now live in the same city again, all I want to do is see him.
His girlfriend doesn't let that happen much and we mostly just see each other when with mutual friends don't blame her, I think she might notice that I like him even if I try to hide it and I really want to tell him to get it off my chest even though it terrifies me, but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. But at the same time, if both me and T have been walking around for the last 12 years secretly wanting to be together, I feel like I want to give that a chance! I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have been, but I don't want to put him in a difficult situation either.
After all, we are attracted to qualities in friends much like we are attracted to qualities in lovers. So, what to do?
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Things are hella murky. If I were you, I would lay my cards on the table. I would tell him how I feel and open up that dialogue. Sure, all that sexual tension can be fun for a minute, but after years of this, it will be a relief to get it all out in the open. If he does not feel the same way you do, then you need to create a boundary, one that precludes cuddling in undies and other confusing behavior.
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And you may find that you need to back off this friendship for a bit, to recalibrate. Getting yourself in a situation in which you say you're fine with being friends but really aren't is a recipe for disaster. Another point to consider: He may like this murkiness because it allows him to get affection and validation from two women without technically doing anything wrong. But, make no mistake. This has made it easy for him to skirt responsibility here. This situation will require you to be honest with him and more importantly, with yourself and be firm in setting boundaries.
I think the LW needs to move on. Stop expecting your good friend to someday fall for you, and MOA. Move on, if only to find happiness for yourself. Elle April 7, , 2: I agree with Matt and Dave and other commenters.
I hope you have the strength to pull your heart together, and start looking for a guy who both deserves it and wants it. Vathena April 7, , How much time should a person waste pining for someone? Is she supposed to sit around twiddling her thumbs and turning down dates in order to be available to nurse his breakup wounds?
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How many more years is it going to take? I agree she should distance herself somewhat and date around. Dave Jay April 7, , 1: I never told her to stop living her life, just to continue being his friend. How long someone is willing to wait for love is highly personal. All I know is that getting it right is highly rewarding. This way, at the very least, she ends up with a good friend in the end… something that believe me is very rare as we get older. Besides, when is the last time your heart listened to your brain?
I mean I could see if this just started going on, but after this length of time you have decide to move on, and after that if he decides that the love of his life was under his nose the whole time then they will find away to be together. Vathena April 7, , 3: I was once on the other side of this situation. In time I fell in love with my friend. Does that mean it will happen for you LW?
Either way,you have to get out and meet new guys. Someday you might just look back and wish you had done something else with your time than wait on him. Laura April 7, , Does Dave have a single brother in the midwest? Every week I love his advice just a little bit more! The LW deserves a man who wants her, thats for sure, but nobody needs a man who falls in love with them at first sight. I know there are cases — some mentioned in this thread — of people who got together after being platonic for a long time. Ray25 April 7, , But when in situations like these, I was always told that there are girls that guys take home for one night and there are girls that guys take home to their parents, and usually the guy will go through a few several?
Maracuya April 7, , I disagree with Dave and Elias. Go find a guy who will shout from the rooftops about how awesome you are. Lindsay April 7, , 1: JustMe April 7, , 1: But then again, remember when he did all those god-awful teen movies in the eighties? This is what I asked a friend of mine in the same circumstances as you, LW. Her answer was a romantic relationship — and this should be your answer, LW! Because she wanted a romantic relationship, she did things that lead to a romantic relationship.
No, that stuff was for boyfriends or potential boyfriends. What I can tell you is these are the steps you need to take, LW, and you need to take them now. Separate from this guy, physically and emotionally. MissDre April 7, , 2: SGMcG April 7, , 1: Five years is a long time to wait for happily ever after. If he truly reciprocated your feelings, he would have done so with you now. Accept his friendship for what it is and please MOA.
Desiree April 7, , 1: I hate to bring up something so ordinary, but maybe she is his ideal woman in many ways, but he just feels no sexual chemistry with her. My boyfriend has a good female friend that shares some important traits not all in common with me; after seeing their camaraderie, I asked him if they had ever tried dating. Looking back at it, I could tell that my unrequited crushes were simply not sexually interested in me.
This could be the case. In my experience, a guy who has strong feelings for you will act on those feelings. If he develops feelings for you, then great! Michele April 7, , I am going to have to agree with Matt on this one. For the the entire time we were just really good friends which was only about a year , he never once talked to me about another woman he was interested in. I had been about to do that, honestly. Either way, go out, live your life, and stop focusing on him. And so it is until the day we die, this thing they call love is gonna make you cry.
Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich April 7, , 2: He treats me fantastically see: My point is, a real nice guy, even we are even going to collapse all of the qualities of a man into one by which he will ONLY be known, is one in actions, not words. Because nice is something you are in relation to others, not something you get to call yourself whenever you feel like it.
We don't send regular emails, we send cool emails
Besides, lets say the LW does wait around for this guy to come around. How long is she going to wait? Will she put energy into her career, or will she hold off in case it meant better prospects that could take her away from the guy? How in the hell is she expected to start expressing her wants and needs after a decade of deferring to his? Eagle Eye April 7, , 2: Dave Jay April 7, , 2: LennyBee April 7, , 2: For example, my bf is a genuine Nice Guy.
Elle April 7, , 3: Oh, I think she knows by now…. If you were nice you would flatter a girl by asking her out, and making her feel wanted by treating her how she deserves to be treated. Dave Jay April 7, , 3: Apparently I can never refer to myself as a nice guy again without revealing my true identity as a scumbag! The kicker was that some of these girls had boyfriends on campus — but apparently felt safer with me! We do NOT finish last… we just take a long way around! Nearly all my friends are Nice Guys met them at the meeting and even though it took some of them a decade or more to find a Nice Girl, they ultimately ALL did.
Can we have a muffin now?