And if you never let go of being critical and judgmental of others, you will never be able to get the kind of relationships you want. The good news is that any step toward being less critical and less judgmental is a step toward more meaningful, fulfilling relationships. Our judgments create and stem from emotional triggers inside of us and cause us to feel bad. Our judgments hurt others, often unintentionally. When we become triggered by something we are judging, we behave as if we are reacting to something we first experienced a long time ago.
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As if that same scenario from our past is happening all over again. All of our judgments are formed in the past, and the emotional triggers that stem from them are activated in the present. But first, let me share with you how I single-handedly destroyed my marriage because of my judgments. I met the woman who would be my future wife in through an online dating service. When we finally met in person, we were ecstatic with each other and fell in love fast. But something happened just a few days after we met that set the tone for the entire 8 years we were together: She told me that she was addicted to sugar.
That is until she mentioned it again later on which is when we decided to have a deeper discussion on it. I thought it was no big deal. Some people eat a piece of pie and others, perhaps sugar addicts, eat the whole pie. Of course this is something that anyone of us could do on a holiday or special occasion, so I was surprised that even on regular days she ate sweets like it was a holiday.
A few days after we met, we went out to eat several more times. I was repeatedly exposed to this addiction of hers and it finally sunk in that she was serious. She was really addicted to sugar.
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I know it sounds harsh when I say that, and I truly mean no disrespect to her or her struggles, but in that moment I became triggered that I was now in a relationship with an addict. That was the moment that my fear kicked in and I closed off a small part of myself. From that point on, I was quietly and unconsciously disgusted by her behavior. But at the time her behavior repulsed me. And because of that, my judgments kicked in.
And the part of me that felt free, happy and in love closed up just a little to protect myself. I grew up in a house where my stepfather was addicted to alcohol and I feared for my safety on an almost daily basis. I developed a hyper-awareness of addictive behavior. The stronghold it had on her was eye-opening. I never met anyone before her that had an addiction except a couple relatives so I thought I was free of addictive behavior forever. This is what happened to me. When he was drunk, his personality was completely different.
He acted volatile and aggressive. He would say mean things and smash or punch material objects. He was highly unpredictable, and very scary to be around. But when I met the woman who would become my wife, all of that changed. I found someone I truly loved in almost every way except one: Her behavior changed when she craved sweets.
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She went from sweet and caring to extremely focused and cold. This is the type of behavior change I experienced as a kid. I would watch my stepfather go from a kind-hearted, well mannered person, to an irrational, uncontrollable, scary monster. Different problem, same reaction. This is how triggers are. We only get triggered because of something that happened to us when we were younger.
So when we married, about 3 or so years later, I still had unresolved fears that I never shared with her. The woman I was marrying, who I was supposed to be able to share anything with, was the last person I could trust with some deeper issues I had.
Judgment - The Ultimate Relationship Destroyer - The Overwhelmed Brain
And for our entire marriage, that fear sat in the background and came out in small but destructive ways. After all, if she is an addict, then she is dangerous! Slowly and systematically, my behavior towards her caused her to close up little by little, making it harder for her to allow herself to love me, and allow me to love her. This is what judgment does. It closes you off from those you love, and forces them to close up around you.
After all, how can one feel safe around someone who puts them down for being themselves? I know from firsthand experience both sides of the coin.
Triggers are what cause you to have a negative emotional reaction. When you experience something that goes against your belief system or your morals, or violates your personal boundaries, or flies directly in the face of your insecurities, you will respond internally by getting a bad feeling.
Judgment – The Ultimate Relationship Destroyer
This is a trigger. They usually appear when you are in a happy or neutral state, which make them even more powerful because they immediately put you into an unhappy state. You usually feel hurt, or angry, or saddened by something that you experienced. For example, when I was in my 20s, I used to get triggered whenever my girlfriend had any male friends. It used to bug me so much! When I heard that it was a guy, I felt my chest tighten, and the anger rise up into my throat.
I was insecure as a boyfriend because I could never fully trust my partner. This insecurity caused me to form a judgment about her selection of friends. When she had female friends, that was fine. I would interrogate her until I came to the conclusion that he was not a threat. The stimulus that caused the trigger was my perception. I perceived myself as not worthy or good enough, or strong enough of a man.
So I felt that her male friends were a danger to me, because they could simply replace me. Since I had a belief that other men were a threat to my relationship, my radar was always on, scanning for those threats. My fears stemmed from my insecurities. My triggers stemmed from my fears. When it comes down to it though, triggers are basically our fight or flight response system being activated. So we had heightened awareness all the time. Our fight or flight response saved our lives because we knew when it was better to fight and win, or run and hide.
Even leaving the toothpaste cap off can elicit the fight or flight response in someone, at least in a less intense way. If someone cuts in front of you in a long line, does fight or flight kick in? Ha ha, it might! At least in the sense that you want to push them out of the line, or at least yell at them. What about when you perceive a parent being a bit too rough on their child? Do you get the urge to to confront the parent? Or do you stay out of it? These are a couple of the many scenarios where fight or flight kicks in.
Now, triggers are when an event happens today that resembles an event that happened in the past.