Black women and Asian men are the two groups most notably at a dating disadvantage. They are the hardest singles for me to match, because they tend to be excluded from the match searches of the majority of clients. The online dating world is also stacked against black women and Asian men.


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A similar story presents itself when we deconstruct black women in popular culture. So, when we see Asian men and black women having a harder time, part of it has to do with beauty standards and part of it has to do with the ways people are socialized to imagine how Asian men or black women behave inside and outside of relationships.


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This exclusion of Asian men is a particularly visible problem in the gay community. Asian women have historically been deemed more sexual but also are viewed as being more demure and feminine. So, they become idealized due to being considered very sexual but also very feminine. Alternatively, black women are viewed as hypersexual because of things like the legacy of chattel slavery, which also suggested that black women are more masculine and animalistic than other women.


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Granted, he was more muscular and taller, but when things like that happened, I became much more afraid of losing him because I thought that I was easily replaceable. As an Asian man, standing right next to him, dudes would just completely disregard me. I thought that my chances of finding another guy were much lower, so I convinced myself that I needed this relationship more than my partner.

In my head, our races created a power dynamic and the pendulum swung more in favor towards my partner. My mother is very adamant and not discreet in her disappointment that I have not yet found a nice Vietnamese man to date.

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Not only do I not wish to date within my own race, I prefer to date my own gender. Even before I came out to her, I had a black boyfriend. She was not happy about that. I feel like Asians fall into that gray area of not being accepted as a person of color while being seen as a weird fetish.

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As for my experiences with the others? Full of white guys.

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I tried East Meet East. I was on it for less than 30 minutes and deleted my account. Bumble and OKC have been the best so far in terms of matches and responses. However, I get the sense that not many women that make their way to Pittsburgh are looking for a guy who looks or thinks like me. I grew up practicing self-defense and playing competitive sports, but I also cooked and cleaned and sang and danced in musicals. The women I have dated understood that I desired equality within a relationship, that we would be partners.

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What have your experiences been like dating newly arrived Asian immigrants? Physical appearance is something they always bring up and they always come on extremely strong and in your face from the beginning. Yes, because my parents have two pretty different perspectives: The fetishization Asian-American women have to deal while dating is pretty widespread. Has that affected your dating life? One of my biggest gripes with the fetishization of Asian women is that it reduces us to purely physical objects, associated with being docile and obedient.

Well, I had a fairly matriarchal upbringing, which is common among Filipino families.

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My mom assumed the position of financial and familial authority, and my dad supported that dynamic entirely, taking on the role of raising my sister and me at home. This dynamic translated into my views of masculinity and feminism, and ultimately, my dating preferences. I value my independence, financial and otherwise, and have always been drawn to men who find my independence to be empowering, not emasculating.

Needless to say, they were immediately disappointed. Do you date Asians exclusively or have you had experiences with interracial dating? Fortunately, instead of minimizing my concerns, my current boyfriend a white male listens to my grievances and makes a conscious effort to advance the cause of racial and gender equality.